I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
