Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize