i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize