I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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