please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
