1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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