Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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