I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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