i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
