11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
