he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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