my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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