I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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