hell yes lets make some ravioli
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Randomize
