if you like me you must not know who I am
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
