she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize