hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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