tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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