How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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