life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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