The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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