I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
