also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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