So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
