why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
