if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
