my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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