I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
