So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
