i can't believe i had my finger in that
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
