he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
