True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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