I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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