So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
