we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
