i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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