got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
