I smell stomach acid.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
How naked do you want me to be?
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