I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
