what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
