How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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