Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
