the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
