Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
