When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So vagazzling was a success
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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