After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
