For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
