so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
