Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
