Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
