you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
