lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
