i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Randomize
