Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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