Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
