So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
