Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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