The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Alive.
So much puke
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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