I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
