Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
