Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize