come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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