: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize