omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
barbara walters just said penis...
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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