Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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