I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
