plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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