Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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