why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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